Working with Hratch
The start
Mum had printed off a description by Laurance Johnston of Hratch and his work, which I had kept, read and re-read for 6 months.
At the time I was making regular visits out to Albert Bohbot's Laserpuncture Clinic in France, also favourably written up.
Albert had been the first man to tell me with absolute confidence that I would walk. However, after two and a half years of being in a wheelchair, I had met a wall of depression and wanted to attack rehabilitation full-time. Hratch's method of mindwork alongside the physical rehabilitation appealed to me. And the notion of a greater self-awareness and contentment, reminded me of something I had desired before my accident.
So I booked in for a consultation. He looked at me and asked questions about me, my history, the accident, and, without warning, felt the wasted muscles in my legs, and then sat down in front of me. Abruptly, he leant forward and I felt an energy force into my stomach and remember thinking: something is happening here. He asked if I wanted to walk. and I replied, yes . He told me, “You will walk, I have no doubt of that. I am happy to take you on and if you do everything I say, it will happen. But understand this: you don't miss or cancel an appointment, nor come late. The only thing stopping you coming in is being dead. If you're dying, you come in anyway and we'll fix it. You cut out drinking alcohol, cut down on your socialising, you work hard and you do exactly as I say, and we can make it happen.” At this point there was a transfer of worry. I was able to return to an adult child relationship where someone was able to answer all my questions and tell me the right thing to do.
In the beginning there had to be a massive leap of faith.
My self-esteem had completely vanished. However hard I had tried - despite having my own business and various relationships - I defined myself by my paralysis. My legs had really started to waste away (aided by months of bed-rest following an infection, abcess and operation on my bum) and I felt completely detached from them, and resentful of them. They were cold. Circulation was bad. I hated my situation.
Depression is simple to resolve for Hratch. We don't need to rely on medication: the downward spiral of dependence, lowered self esteem, defining ourselves by our condition and not our true character. What had happened to the carefree, spontaneous Guido? Yes, I could, and did, joke in front of friends, I could, and did, run my own business; drive, be independent, etc... But the minute I was back in my own company, I was engulfed by emptiness.
My depression - and all of my depressions through adolescence - had to go PERMANENTLY, in order not to block my physical improvement. With emotional stress, my mind was not free to go inside my body and help me feel those slight connections which I needed to notice in order to bring about further stimulation and change.
This method requires a will to change: perception, understanding and all the old habits and emotions that brought me to those negative places. Now I had to tell Hratch all the things that were bringing me down - no issue could be too stupid or insignificant. And for every problem or upset that I asked about, he gave me the solution. Clear and absolute. Instinctively I knew these were the right answers. They didn't seem revolutionary, but I had to be told them. Each problem resolved was a whole myriad of endless thought processes that I no longer had to go over and over in the dark recesses of my mind.
At the same time he was pushing me to exercise.
This was a balance between mental and physical. He explained the emotional shock of the injury (and not just the physical trauma that the doctors would have me believe). In the times when I didn't understand the process, I reverted to the old “just do” mantra. (Looking back I see how much I was absorbing at a subconscious level, and how the changes were already beginning.)
In the beginning I held onto one CERTAINTY: when I did what he said, I felt good, when I didn't, I felt depressed - or rather guilt was making me feel bad. My mind was telling me that laziness was unacceptable and only exacerbated the situation.
For a very long time it was hard: I was fighting everyone's cynicism (friends, families, anyone with any medical knowledge) but worst of all, my own. Was this man a blessing or an expert conman? Each day the questions tormented me, and each time I listened to him I would think: well, he couldn't simply make this stuff up; instinctively I knew it to be right and it made me feel good. And his attention to detail when it came to my legs was extraordinary: he'd be praising when I did something right and shout like a drill sergeant when I did something wrong. But when my legs didn't seem to be moving and it was just an internal feeling of movement, I found it extraordinary that his responses mirrored my own internal feelings. I'd just think, how DOES he know this, even testing him at times, but he never got it wrong.
Each time I left a session I felt fantastic - no matter what state I turned up in. If my back hurt, he fixed it up; if I was low, he fixed it; if we spent a session exercising, I could always do a tiny, tiny bit more at the end than I could at the beginning. He drove me hard, shouted at me, cajoled me and good-humouredly teased me onwards. Behind my effort has always been his effort.
But still there was the physical need for evidence. Something to say unquestionably: this is working.. here is your first 1%, the other 99% will follow.
My First Breakthrough
came one day when I had wasted the day: not really exercised as I should have and I was feeling the guilt. Determined to salvage something of the day I lay down on my bed to read Hratch's recently printed book. Bits of it were completely relevant and I just drifted through the other bits. I had given myself an hour of reading, but throughout, my left leg kept trying to capture my attention in an unimaginable way, like it was physically saying “I want to move.. move me.” I stuck to my hour of reading then put the book down and thought, okay: you want to move, then move. I was on my back and started to try to slide it out to the side. Then, bang, it moved, just slid over. It was unbelievable, so I video-ed it on my phone and called both my parents in and got them to video it from a different angle, scared that it wouldn't happen again. Putting it back into the centre again was harder, requiring a different action (as the video shows). It was a thrilling moment: the first where I could sit back and confidently realise that I was not wasting my time. Something significant was happening..
I've given this phase of my life to this completely. I've (mostly) given up work - yes I know I'm lucky to be able to do this, though others manage both work and this. I have someone who helps me exercise at home. This means I know there is a period in every day when distractions end and I focus entirely on me. This is how it HAS to work in order to achieve results.
When other things have arisen - depressions, issues, (breakdowns of) relationships - these have to be dealt with immediately so that I can get back to me. It is the biggest and most unconditional discipline I have undertaken or stuck to. Some friends understand this. Others do not, and have moved away.
I am happy and enjoy huge personal freedom.
The process is a lengthy one, make no mistake, and at times has seemed impossibly hard. But the more I do, the more I seem to understand it. And this February (2008) my mental understanding and awareness have opened up completely - hence the switch from staying private to wanting other people to have the benefit of my experience.
The beginning was a question of just doing. But now I am much more focused. I find myself automatically inside my legs. And when I'm exercising and I get feelings and sensations I go straight to them and work them harder to make the connection from the brain to them and back again much stronger and permanent. When I exercise at home, I am beginning to know intuitively what I need to do to get the most out of each movement. Exercise cannot be thoughtless. Hratch drives the new changes and explains what they are and how they work, as and before they happen.
Working with Hratch is not a pre-destined route, though he understands the basic ways and patterns to recovery, having seen many improve. But it is a more wholesome and intuitive process. At home, I had to exercise, focus and write. In my writings I was to put down on paper exactly what came up as it came up. Between these three disciplines, if done, one or more things would always come up: a change in sensation or, deliciously, a new one; an issue or set of thought processes; a problem, squabble or event; or maybe just an unaccountable (to me) high or low.
These new things I conveyed to Hratch, who explained (mental) or worked (physical) them. I have always booked 2 hour sessions. These have been spent being pushed to the limits exercising; being poked and prodded with electrical stimulation pads and an acupulse “pen”; in deep conversation; or meditative focus receiving mind instruction for both the physical and the mental. Each time I bring things up, he knows to work them.
The hours and hours and hours of listening I couldn't begin to describe, nor explain exactly what it is I've learnt. But those who know me will recognise how I have changed. How I look well; how I always seem to be up; how I am able to do exercises, unimaginable at the beginning, and impossible according to current medical thinking.
And quite apart from what others notice, I am watching my progress every day. I'm going through a period of excitement. More feelings, more control, more tension in the legs, more muscle mass, exercises that were hard becoming easy and new ones that I couldn't do becoming the ones I find difficult. Intimate and personal issues changing, improving. Tiny bit by tiny bit, I am becoming more able and in control. And mentally, there's a whole world of understanding and contentment that has opened up for me.
Click here to go the the video clips and commentaries or
Click here to go to my How Does it Work page which is a completion of this one
Below are some pictures of various pieces of exercise equipment and brief explanations of their use: (I will endeavour to get photos taken of me using the items so you get a better picture of them and how I work them. Watch this space...)
Above: these are my bespoke splints. The top brace supports below the knee. The ankles are completely rigid to hold my ankle firm, as they have not yet opened up while we are working on knees. And you can see I have had the toes of the shoes raised up a little and tapered in, just to give an initial help with tightening the calves. Had them made in London. Cost £800.
Above:
1. My exercise bike (bought in Germany because they run a rude and expensive monopoly in this country. Typical: it is a good product, but they rip you off and don't give any other options. I thought we had laws against it, but no politician seems interested. Maybe I'm wrong? Shame that the disabled are such an easy target.)
2. My blue walking frame. I have a silver one too (photo to follow) and each one does a different thing. This one I am bent over it a bit as I walk, but it really makes me focus on holding myself up and the knees locking, otherwise I'd fall over!
3. My standing frame (courtesy of NHS - thank you). Another great piece of equipment used correctly. From this I have done, simple standing with the band behind me, standing without, which is harder and makes me squeeze my back pelvis and thighs and get them all working (the more they work the less my arms hurt!). And I also do loads of stand and sit exercises which really get the legs working and also builds their muscles and those around my hip joints. (I'll have to get a video clip of this exercise.)
Below: A picture of Charles who helps me exercise at home. His input has been invaluable, and made my exercise routine at home possible. With someone else there I can get more out of each exercise and not waste time fussing with adjustments, etc.. Thank you. (Though I gotta say, you're looking younger and more earnest here!!)
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